For the past two years I’ve done an end of year blog, talking about all my successes and the events of the past year. I wanted to do a final blog this year again, but not in exactly the same way.
Don’t get me wrong; 2015 has had its fair share of excitement and successes. I went to BETT again with Becca, where I learnt a lot. I completed a long, tiring but extremely successful placement, which has placed me in a good position going forward to next year. I travelled to Manchester to speak at alt-c technology conference which was an incredible experience and one I feel lucky to have. I have received back my first assignment of the year and I gained a first, which obviously makes me very happy. I moved into my first flat with my boyfriend, a massive milestone in our lives, and we have just spent our first Christmas there together. So there have been lots of positives and I feel fortunate that I have been able to experience the things I have.
Normally, this would be the end of my blog, after detailing all my successes. But this year, I’m feeling different. I’m not sure whether it’s because I am another year older, another year wiser, the forced grown-updness that arrives when living alone and dealing with everyday problems (the flat has had a few, teething problems, shall we say?). But I feel a lot more reflective this year. I’ve developed maturity I wasn’t aware I needed. I believe it is due, in part, to the new responsibilities that come with living alone, but also to the career I have chosen and worked at this year.
I’ve really enjoyed blogging this year but I still struggle to keep it up as regularly as I’d like and I put myself under constant pressure because of this. I also feel under immense pressure in other areas, mainly my assignments. I should tell myself that my best is my best and so long as I give my all, the end product will be deserved. Yet, I mount the pressure on and, with this, the self-doubt increases.
I also feel pressure with my upcoming placement, starting straight after Christmas. I’ve been placed in a school with a difficult commute again, one which I know I will find personally challenging. I’m nervous that it will drag me down, but also I place that pressure on my self again. I just want to do well, teach well, for the children in my class to learn well. But it is another challenge, which is something I always face up to and try my very hardest with.
Personally, I’ve also struggled this year with anxiety. This isn’t something I talk about with many people as it is quite personal and I find it difficult. But it’s reared its head and I find it difficult to cope with at times. It rises and falls, but at its worse it can stop me doing the things I want to do, like missing gigs or leaving nights out early. I find it difficult, because I don’t think people understand fully the complexities of anxiety, and that isn’t meant in a patronising way. I know I’ve certainly learnt a lot about it, and I hope the more I learn, the harder I can overcome it or, at least, cope with it.
I guess these ponderings on the year are just honest reflections, leading on to positives for the year to come. These aren’t official resolutions, I don’t really do those, more of a planned change of mindset which I hope will lead to a more satisfied me, who doesn’t feel constant guilt or low self-worth. I definitely want to continue blogging, although with a 12 week placement starting in less than a week, I cannot guarantee how often that will be. I want to believe in myself more and focus more on what I can do rather than on what I struggle with. I also want to allow more time on my placement for myself; last year I cannot remember a single evening where I did something other than planning, assessment etc. This wasn’t healthy and I definitely want to improve on this, if possible.
2016 will be a year of enormous change – possibly one of the biggest so far. I will finish my University course, graduate, hopefully start a new job as a teacher. I may move house again, hopefully be able to buy a car, will meet many new people and say goodbye to others. All I know for certain though, is that I will tackle it with the same drive and determination as this year and hopefully it will all fall into place!
If you’re still reading here, then thank you. Thanks for reading this post and for delving into my blog this year. Thank you to everyone who has helped make this year what it was, professionally and personally. I encourage you to reflect wholly on your 2015- it’s actually very therapeutic!
I wish you a happy and prosperous 2016.
Kate 🙂 xxxx